Santa Baby

Almost Jack's first Christmas!!

drink up my hearties yo ho

Well Jack is now almost 2 weeks old. Crazy and impossible to believe!! It's been a rough 2 weeks. Turns out he was really jaundiced. Apparently his blood type and my blood type did not agree (ABO incompatibility, which I had never heard of) so my blood started killing off his red blood cells. Nice. So I spent until this past Friday having to take my brand new baby to the hospital every day to have blood drawn.

Now, I admit I am a complete freak. I know I am eye-deep in post partum crap but let me tell you how awful it is to have to see your son's heels COVERED with the little cuts left by the spring loaded blood getter. Ugh. I cried every time we went. However his levels were very high and they were talking transfusion, so it's not like I wasn't going to do what they told me.

This is in addition to the phototherapy blanket he had to be on 24 hours a day. It's like a big easy bake spatula of light that had to touch his skin at all times. Nicely, the designers of said "blanket" made the Gieger-inpsired umbilical cord that attaches to said device only about 18 inches long, so cuddling was hard, couldn't leave the room without mucho effort. So along with the frustration and worry, is isolation. No way was I not going to be sitting with my little pirate!! So we spent many hours sitting in our room alone.

However, now it looks like I can finally play new mommy for real and give him his first bath and carry him out to the living room to see his family. (my mother in law is staying with us for 2 weeks...that's a whole different entry) And practice changing diapers (which he hates) and nursing (which I think he would do all day if I let him)

So just wanted to pass along a quick update while I had a few minutes to do so. Hopefully I will be able to post pictures soon and maybe even (GASP!) take a nap :)

we're having a baby

Brief update. I am going in tonight to have labor induced. My blood pressure was back up today at my check-up and she decided to see if they had a bed for me...and they did.

I am a little freaked since I thought we would have another 2 weeks but here we go. I should have my little pirate sometime tomorrow afternoon/evening most likely.

Deathly Hallows

Yep, finished it. I was done at about 5:30 pm on Saturday. Little later than I usually tear through those books, but after we picked it up at midnight I could only read for a couple of hours before my eyes started to cross and I couldn't discern if the language I was reading was actually English or not, so I had to admit defeat.

I slept a few hours and then read the rest. It's AMAZING! I loved it. Once the move is completely done and the apartment just a 3-floor memory, I will read it again. It's possibly my favorite in the series, which is a really tough call. It's also a bummer for me to think there will not be other books. However, I think she did an excellent job and treated the whole thing in the best way in my opinion. My mom is now done -- course she completely cheated and read the end. It was maddening because she did it in front of us. We were all sitting around the kitchen table getting started at 12:20 and she kept making noises of exclamation. I finally had to threaten physical violence.

Tom is not done yet, neither is my dad which is sorta maddening because it takes a lot of effort not to let anything slip when they talk about theories and where they are in the book. For the last book that came out I had to give my dad an ultimatum --finish in 3 days or I am blowing the ending. Course I didn't but dang it's hard!

In other news, I quit my job yesterday. Wasn't my plan, but sometimes things happen that make you realize it's time to go.

I was "getting feedback" from my manager yesterday morning. We get semi-annual reviews. Well, we do now, it used to just be annual but hey, whatever. I got raves, except "Meridith seems to have lost focus lately" Really? I wonder why that would be. Not that I haven't been doing my job just fine lately, but I seem scattered.

That wasn't the trigger. The subject of my pregnancy came up. Since there is the possibility of a c-section, this makes a difference in my leave. Or it could. Now, I am also currently covered under the FMLA act. I have so many hours I can use for doc's appointments, feeling like crud or anything related to my pregnancy. It's federal law and it protects my job. So my manager tells me she is "going to try to win Marci (my general manager, her boss) back over to my side" I ask what this means since I was not aware she wasn't "on my side"

Well she mentioned that you are "just another pregnant lady who calls in throughout her pregnancy." I'm sorry...WHAT? Um...ok. This is time I am legally entitled to and frankly, if it's a huge problem, why I am hearing about it now? I was also just plain surprised she actually said this out loud to me. Pretty unprofessional to repeat it to me as well if it was actually said.

What else comes out of this meeting? One of the other coaches says he should get my shift because he's always here and he deserves it. Again -- why is this being repeated to me? Now, normally I don't care about what sort of gossip is said about me. I am one of the top performing coaches EVERY time. Every time, not once in awhile, every time. My team's stats (which is the only thing call centers every care about) are always good. For the first 3 quarters were the top team. So it's maddening to hear that there is some question NOW.

So I left her office shortly after that went to my break. Being a rational pregnant lady -- I started to cry. There are not many things that I detest doing. Crying anywhere public, is one of them. How was supposed to feel ok about using leave until I go into labor? Yeah I decided now was the time. Obviously it was an issue, even if they wouldn't address it with me directly. I have gone through enough stress. Screw it. I quit.

I'm a little worried/nervous. It's been a long time since I have not worked. When I was a stay at home wife with my first husband, I quickly became a slave in some aspects. I had to beg for money for ANYTHING. When I had to ask if I could please have some money for tampons, I knew it was ridiculous. So...yeah part of me worries.

However, for now I am going to concentrate on enjoying the last bit of my pregnancy with no one yelling at me over their TV. Yee haw!!

Dumbledore's Army

Yes when it comes to Harry Potter, I am a fantastic nerd. Mom and I will be standing in line at the midnight sale at Border's on Friday. We have done it for every book. This will be a little harder since I have a pirate who loves to kick the crap out of me at night. That and I will be awake longer than I normally am. Well awake and standing.

The biggest challenge will be not getting home and reading the book straight through until I am done. I usually finish the next day. However we are moving out of our apartment on Sunday and I will be finishing packing and freaking out on Saturday. Ugh. However, I will no longer have to walk 3 flights of stairs every darn day. That I am super excited about. Then I just have to get through work and the next few weeks.

I have seen the newest movie twice. I dig the movies, but for completely selfish reasons, I am always bummed that they cannot include everything. Course Order of the Phoenix is 800 pages, so something has to go or the movie would be a year long. Which I would still watch in all honesty. Me and about 4 other people probably.

Tom and I joke all the time that Jack will probably end up hating Pirates, Harry Potter and pretty much everything we love because we get so nerdy about everything. He has heard 2 Potter books in utero because we read them out loud to each other. Yep. Nerds.

Boy oh Boy

Went to the doctor again today. Going every 2 weeks is pretty strange. Every 4 weeks seemed like it was pretty far away -- now it feels like as soon as I leave, I am going back.

So my little boy apparently likes having his head up. Today the doctor brought up the possibility that I may need to have a c-section. She told me at the next appointment, I will have an ultrasound and we can decide if we can get him to move "by pushing the heck out of your stomach." Of course it's harder now because he's a lot bigger so there isn't a ton of wiggle room for him now. However he does move quite a bit so there is a chance he will decide to point his little head down.

It's strange, I never really considered that I would be having a c-section. I have been debating wanting an epidural or other pain meds, never really thought about not needing to make the choice. Interesting.

However it's not set in stone yet. We shall see what happens. I suppose on the positive side, I can probably miss the 9/11 date if we have come to that. So I will wait and see what my little pirate decides to do.

baby got back

Holy cow I am now gaining weight. Ok, it's like 3 pounds but it's pretty amazing to finally see a baby belly that sticks out a little past my boobs. I am also experiencing swelling which is very very attractive. I am sure a lot of it is the heat but on the 4th I looked down after spending the afternoon with the folks and OH MAN! I had CANKLES!!

My legs have always been pretty decent. Shapely overall especially for someone as short as myself, with thin ankles. Yeah -- those are gone. Give me a couple hours on my feet and I no longer recognize this part of my body. Completely strange.

On a different note...July 4th has always been a mixed bag for me. Don't get me wrong, I really do love my country. The freedoms (those that haven't been reduced in the name of safety or such in post-9/11 times) we enjoy are something to appreciate. And here is where I start to have my problems. This country still has racism, sexism, we do not acknowledge that homosexuals are people who deserve basic human rights and freedoms. Our homeless population tends to be made up primarily of our veterans and the mentally ill and in the last few years, more and more families. There are thousands who do not have health insurance, a safe place to live or access to a decent education. So as I am watching tv and seeing fireworks and listening to the 1812 Overture it makes me happy and sad. I really wish the country celebrated its birthday, I wish the people here were all truly free.

Just to show that I am not a complete jerk and hater of all things U.S. here is a Merf is a sap moment. My sister flew in today for a week and Jack's baby shower. As we were waiting for her to come up the stairs after the train; I saw a young soldier in his desert cammies come up. His 2 kids ran up to him holding a sign 'Welcome Home Popi we missed you!" and jumped into his arms. His wife gave him a hug and kiss and started to cry. At this moment, I started to bawl. For all my cynicism, I am not heartless and I appreciate the sacrifice this man and his family made.

So there you go...I'm not all bad

everyone will want to look just like me

Really haven't meant to be completely scarce. Physically I am tired a lot of the time. It's much harder to sleep through the night and get myself to work by 6 am everyday. Oi. Leg cramps let me sleep about an hour at a time before I need to move and shift. Our bed is tiny so lucky Tom gets to be awake every time. It's a double bed which under normal circumstances is not bad -- however with an expanding wife who needs to move all the time, I imagine it feels more like a twin. I know it does to me.

However -- I am in the home stretch! Hard to fathom at this point. Yes the day to day has not seemed to go quickly at all -- but here we are. I start my two week visits now. Thursday I had the joy of drinking yummy glucose to test for diabetes. Not as bad as they psyched me up for it to be. Never my drink of choice of course and WAY more sugar than I have been taking in lately, but I managed. I have still kept my weight about the same. Weird. Although I have a little bump now. With my boobs that's not saying much. I think my friends are disappointed because they all wanted to see me pregnant and it's hard to tell.

I chopped all my hair off. I have little to no patience with any sort of "beauty-type" maintenance. I am damn lazy about it. Plus it doesn't make that big of a difference. I suppose I should care more but I don't and certainly not now. So my hair which was growing like mad was getting to be pretty long -- in the Meridith sense. Which is almost my shoulders. Add a little record heat and the fact I have to blow dry it or it curls in the weirdest spots and it equals me walking into the closest place the wield scissors and declare "shave me bald!" Ok, not bald. But very short. My mom will hate it. She always sorta signs when I give up looking more feminine. However I know myself. I am not putting effort into my hair NOW, never have...add a newborn and I am likely to look damn scary after a bit. This way, it will dry and look...short. I went sorta Keira Knightly in "Domino" short. Of course she's way hotter than me. :) Tom likes it a lot. All I need is the man I love to look at pics of me with shorter hair and say "wow, I really like your hair short" and I am off and running. Woo hoo!

I am finally having baby type dreams. Last night I changed a diaper. Although in my dream I had Jack and a little girl. I have also had dreams that they missed it in the ultrasound (or added it as it were) and I am actually having a girl. Wouldn't that be interesting?

I am also having to pack up the apartment for us to move out at the end of this month. Ugh. Let me tell you how daunting a task that is. My folks are heading out east and we will be living in their house. At least for the time being. The grander scheme is we will all be out in PA in the next year. Closer to my sister and brother. It's nice because we will be rent free in their house. Of course I have a ton of stuff. Painting supplies, my weirdo doll collection, Tom's 3 guitars and other musical gadgets. Yeah it's going to be a bitch. However I won't have 3 flights of apartment steps to walk.

Tomorrow we will be at Pride. At least for a bit. I have gone every year for the last 5 or 6. Mom is excited because she gets to come with again this year. It will be Tom's second time and my second time not on the prowl. Got to see my Dykes on Bikes. Yummy. Course it's another record breaker they are saying for tomorrow so I am only planning on a couple of hours after the parade. Prego in 98 degrees...now THAT is sexy.

Under pressure

I have said it before, I miss my meds. The last 2 weeks have been a psychotic mess. Well I have been a psychotic mess, the rest of the world has had me in it. Everything makes me cry. EVERY THING. It frustrates me. My job is not a calm one. Some days are better than others, but most of them involve some jerk screaming at me about something.

I have been doing this as supervisor for almost 4 years. I think I do a damn good job. Well, I used to think I did. Lately, I can't handle it. The questions are fine, I will do anything I can for any of my agents, but I can't keep my cool on the phone. I can feel my heart pounding and it's pretty much a given some ass is going to threaten to sue me personally or fly out to CO and kick my ass and I am going to hang up the phone and I am going to cry. I feel unprofessional, I feel helpless and I feel like my fellow employees are sick of me. Hell *I* am sick of me.

It's also raising my blood pressure. Not so good. The last 3 doctor's appointments, my pressure has been steadily going up. My blood pressure has always been good. So to see it creeping to borderline hypertension, it makes me even more upset. I do not want my anxiety and my damn job to cause problems for my pregnancy. A pregnancy I have been wanting forever. And yet...my work ethic and pride are a constant dialogue in my head "you have to do this, you cannot put yourself first, this is your job." A job, like any other that would get rid of me if it suited business needs without such moral mental juggling. It's business right? So why can't I tell myself that it's ok to think to myself "Jack is more important than all of this?"

My mom...geez what would I do without her? She is like a constant bubble of positive. If anyone needs a cheerleader -- my mom will back you 200% She keeps me sane. I talk to her on break -- at least on the days that hearing her voice doesn't make me cry. It's her voice is the positive dialogue in my head.

Tom...poor Tom. He must think he is married to a complete weirdo. (well he IS, but it's worse now) It's his birthday tomorrow and he gets to deal with me crying, panic attacks that have resurfaced and all the while getting used to the idea of being a daddy. I am lucky to have him since he stays much more calm than I am lately. I am trying to be a decent wife while I want to curl up into a ball and forget the world for a bit.

So...I am going to do myself to pull myself together and be a little easier on myself. I am trying to make myself think positive thoughts and convince myself I can keep going to work without it making me sick. Wish me luck.

Houston, we have a

Boy! The Broziks are having a wee lad. Went to the doctor this afternoon and had the ultrasound.

We then went and bought him his first wee kilt, to match his daddy's. I am completely exhausted between nervous excitement and the shittiest weather to drive in. I am ready for a nap!

It's a mad mad mad mad world

Detention order issued As early as 2005, police and school administrators were wrestling with what to do with Cho, who was accused of stalking two female students and was sent to a mental health facility after police obtained a temporary detention order.
The two women complained to campus police that Cho was contacting them with “annoying” telephone calls and e-mail messages in November and December 2005, campus Police Chief Wendell Flinchum said.

This is posted on the MSNBC website today. Apparently the gunman took the 2 hours between his 2 rampages to mail a package to NBC full of pictures, video clips and a rambling manifesto. After reading the above, I think it's sad that more wasn't done before the 14th. It's one thing when it's writing in a classroom. He was reported for stalking. That's a crime. I wonder why he was still attending class -- why he was still a student of the University. You can't suspend someone for writing weird class assignments, but stalking students, I would think so. Had that actually been reported and placed in his record, he wouldn't have been able to buy those guns.

It's sad that this person who was obviously very sick wasn't really acknowledged. I am not necessarily he should be pitied, I don't honestly know; obviously something was missed.

The article goes on to state that the administration could have forced inpatient care for him. It's horrible to hear these sort of things now -- because I cannot imagine the feelings of guilt anyone involved in those decisions must feel dealing with the "if onlies." The whole thing is gross and horrible. Hind-sight sucks. How do you move on from anger if you lost someone you loved?

And now other schools have received bomb threats. Wheatridge high school had specific students named today. Where do you start to address this?

I've seen your flag on the marble arch and love is not a victory march

This is a little disjointed -- but I have about a million different thoughts running through my head at the moment, so for now, I have this.

Before I get started on this, heck I have been writing and rewriting this for over 2 hours -- I am going to include a disclaimer. It goes against my first instinct, I should be able to state my opinion without (hopefully) giving anyone the impression that I condone killing, that I hold anyone who takes the life of another human being in any sort of regard. It shouldn't be necessary, but I have been alive through enough of these sort of incidents to know that people react with their gut and I understand people are not going to agree with me.

A couple facts about myself and my experiences that play into what I am going to say. I am a gun owner. I own a semi-automatic 22 pistol, and I have gone to shooting ranges with my dad several times. I am a damn good shot, and I have experience loading and shooting my dad’s 9mm semi automatic pistol, a 22 pistol, as well as rifles. I know how easy it is to expel an empty clip and reload. It’s quick, with any practice at all, it’s almost instantaneous. I also know how much ammo that man had to be carrying. A standard 9 mm clip carries 15 rounds which means he was carrying several, all preloaded. He had thought this out. I do not think guns are inherently evil, nor do I think that law-abiding citizens should be stopped from purchasing guns.

I have also been the kid who wrote violent pieces for class. In the 6th grade for a book writing/binding project, I wrote a violent book. It included murder, revenge, hell I beheaded a fellow classmate with an axe and then ended up destroying her reanimated body and setting it on fire before being locked away in a mental institution. I was 12. I know were I in school post-Columbine, I am sure it would have been seen as more than a creative project. I also take anti-depressants. Add those up without any other details -- I probably fit the profile.

My brother went through elementary school and junior high being tortured by other kids.
I am not talking about teasing. Yes there was that, but it went much further -- he was pushed, shoved and harassed. Not good natured ribbing. Yes, he was a nerd, yes he was smart and stood out because of that. He is know a Phd teaching early American Literature at a university and he’s a father of 2. He wrote pieces in junior high about suicide.

My sister wrote a piece in high school (a play I think) about killing her band teacher. She now has her Master’s in percussion and is a lawyer.

I wish there was a standard answer to why things happen. I wish there was a quick answer as to why some people go on to hurt others. Frankly, no matter how badly we want that, there isn’t.

This is one of those things that every one writes about when it happens. A thousand different experiences and thoughts. I do not know any one who attends or has attended Virginia Tech. I haven't been a college student in over 10 years.
What bothers me about situations like this is the debates that re-ignite when it happens. You have a "loner shooter" they are quiet, no one knows them, they have no known group of friends, except people find something about them "disturbing."
I am no expert on anything. I don't claim to be. I have read the "violent plays" that are now over the internet that supposedly point to a disturbed person. I have read that his writing teacher suggested he go to counseling. Here is my thought on this -- regardless of what we think, this person was an adult. You cannot force anyone to go to get help. You also in my opinion, cannot expel someone for what they write. To me, to start talking about this kind of thing, starts to smack of thought crime. You cannot decide that someone is disturbed, potentially violent without something more than a badly written violent play. We cannot start following people around waiting for them to do something. We cannot fit people into a “profile” if they take anti-depressants, express anger or anything else for that matter through writing. I certainly don’t want my personal things monitored in “case” I might go off the deep end. We run the risk of alienating even more people and keeping those who need help from getting it because of a stigma that frankly already exists. If only it were that easy to see who was going to turn out a certain way.

My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones. I am honestly sorry they are in pain. I just hope that we don’t create reactionary “solutions” that will give a false sense of security until it happens again.

What a wonderful time of year

Happy Easter!

So now that I am not barfing all the time, I am starving constantly it seems. Every couple of hours like...hmm like an infant! With the laziness and Tom's overnight shift schedule, the grocery store is a virtual stranger. I hate the idea of hauling bags up 3 flights of stairs by myself. Oh for the day that we do not live on the 3rd floor of anywhere!

Got the results of the genetic screening and all looks good for the bean. They are not recommending an amnio or other testing which is a relief -- especially if you do any reading about the risks of having a baby after 35. I should really not ever research on the internet. I manage to find things to fret about. At least as far as the pregnancy is concerned. We have an ultra-sound on the 24th and should be able to find out if it's a girl bean or a boy bean. I have decided to start telling people who ask me what I am hoping for that I am hoping for a puppy. I understand the question, I really do, and honestly, we would love to have a girl. It seems like everyone around us has boys so to get some added estrogen in the environment would be lovely. However, like most people -- healthy is awesome and really all that matters.

I have become so lazy on the weekends! I have a really hard time sleeping and getting comfortable so I am up to all hours which kills during the week since I have to be at work at 6 am. So on the weekends, I tend to be a bump all day long. Course Tom is also sleeping since he gets home at 7 am and I try not to be too loud. I need to get my ass painting again. I love doing it and just have been neglecting it for sitting around on my bum. I was so excited to get past most of the morning sickness and have not taken advantage of it. Although last night we did go to a hockey game. One of the perks of working for the Pepsi Center is the chance for free tickets. So we got to sit 22 rows behind the goal in some really great seats and had a great time (even though they lost and ended their play-off chances) Ah well.

So another week starts tomorrow. Meh. That and I still have to do our taxes. See? Lazy.

instead of making me better, you keep making me ill

Oi. The last 2 weeks have been a challenge. I missed one day of work because I threw up every time I sneezed. The last 2 days have been a challenge with sickness and exhaustion. Hopefully it will subside quickly now that I am starting the 2nd trimester.

I am in the home stretch of putting together a friend's wedding. I have made a ton of decorations but it's going to be gorgeous. I feel slightly guilty because I wasn't pregnant when I took on the task, and have been struggling to get everything done while fighting feeling less than prime. However I think it's going to be really pretty and hopefully everything the two of them are looking for. I will be glad to see it over so I can try to put the house back together which has been sorely neglected since I started feeling so darn yucky and tired.

Poor mom has been struggling with the flu the last few days. I haven't been able to spend any time with her so as to hopefully avoid adding that to my challenges. I got the flu shot last year in about October, but not worth taking the risk of it being a different type and I am not a fan of throwing up by any stretch.

Only a few weeks away from being able to find out the gender of the bean. I am excited. Tom and I would both like to have a little girl. My brother's kids are both boys so it would be a hoot to put a grand daughter in the mix. Of course healthy being the priority, I will be happy either way just being excited about having a child of my own that I have wanted for so damn long.

Nothing else exciting or worth mentioning, just working on getting through the week.

welcome to the cheap seats

I admit it, I cannot help myself -- I always end up watching Dateline's To Catch a Predator. It's a horrible train wreck and a sad commentary but damn; why do these people never learn? Every time they do these stings several people show up, not one or two, but they end up arresting several.

I am not about to criticize meeting people on the Internet. I met my first husband on the Internet and when I first graduated from college (dear lord, 12 years ago) I used to visit chat rooms. Most of them were lame. People only want to talk to you about hooking up, or cyber sex. As a woman going into a chat room, it hardly ever took more than 5 minutes before several windows would pop up for private chat.

The Internet offers an interesting experience. There was a New Yorker cartoon that I had a postcard of for years that I thought was hysterical. There are 2 dogs, sitting at a computer -- one saying to the other "On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog." It's so damn true. You can reinvent yourself at any given time to be anything you want. I used to think it was hilarious. However, I was 24, I knew what it was about. I had the experience to know when it was a good idea and most of the time didn't meet anyone in person. I can't imagine talking to someone who identifies themselves as a kid; kids do not have the experience or the ability to judge a situation for safety. Even if you talk to them because you think they are lying or anything else -- but to SHOW UP AT A HOUSE? Drive hundreds of miles?

Are they really that many people (and most of the people who show up are men) who want to have sex with kids? Really? Dear lord. Are they so lonely or immature that they cannot handle dealing with people their own age? Is it severe lack of confidence?

It amazes me how they all have the same excuse -- "I was checking on the girl/boy because she was alone," "I was going to teach her how dangerous it can be to meet people online" Some of them even mention seeing the show before. I also love the ones who claim they were "seduced" by the kid. Lovely. You could be sitting next to these people on the bus.

Yeah, I am ranting, I shouldn't try to post while the tv is on.

that's entertainment

I want to thank Melissa Etheridge for both kissing her wife on camera and thanking her as "my wife" in her Oscar speech. I also want to thank Ellen for the joke "he just can't accept we'll never be together; George Clooney." Awesome.

I don't know why I watch the Oscars. Any more, I have very rarely seen the movies that are nominated. I have to wait until they come to DVD between my work and the fact they're damn expensive. I like the film reel of those who have passed away in the last year. The funny bit about comedians being bitter at the Oscars was pretty good too. The shadow dancers who do the car commercials was a little strange but hey whatever.

I adore Phillip Seymour Hoffman -- why did he come on stage looking so hideous? Eww. Even for an independent film actor I would think the Oscars warranted a shower and a comb. I would also like know who lets some of these actresses dress the way they do. YUCK. I kept waiting for an appearance by Jennifer Hudson's nipple during the song medley.


NO NO NO NO!!! Holy crap the Pogues Sunny Side of the Street in a Cadillac commercial???? Holy shit. I suppose we'll get The Sex Pistols shilling Happy Meals next? (sorry, just saw the commercial, had to comment)


I did manage to master some cleaning this evening. Here is the secret -- 10 minutes of cleaning, sit for 5 or so, 10 minutes of cleaning, sit for more. Yee haw

Darn...I was rooting for Peter O'Toole. Forest Whittaker is cool too but I always root for the old guard.

Alright. All I wanted to really write about was actually getting through some cleaning. But hell the tv is on. Seriously Martin Scorsese hasn't one an Oscar before? Wow. Although I have to say it's nice to someone other than Clint win. Seems like every time he makes a movie it wins.

Ok. Departed takes movie of the year. Interesting. I will probably not see that one in all honesty. I haven't been a fan of DiCaprio since Gilbert Grape.

On than note, I will end this pointless this entry to get ready for some sleep and a new week of work tomorrow.

hit me baby one more time

Someone needs to help this little girl. She is freaking out and probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am not a fan of her music and I think she's got some serious growing up to do to be a mom to her two kids but it's obvious she is not handling any of this well.

Had she not spent a DAY in rehab and been out drinking every night ridiculously for several months -- I would say maybe she's thinking "Screw You! Stare at this!" Sadly, I don't think she's that sound of mind. Seeing this story the last 2 days has made me sad for her, and more so, her little boys. Where the hell is her mom?

Someone needs to get her to a secluded house, rehab center, ashram, whatever and let her be alone with some serious counseling. If not, I see another premature celebrity death.

I follow where my mind goes

Woke up this morning completely freaked out from a horrible nightmare where I was in a room or a shelter of some kind and they were passing out dead babies wrapped in little blankets. I called in to work I was so worked up and anxious. Lame I know.

But...I went to the doctor and things are looking good!! I got to hear the heartbeat of the bean and it made me cry. Nice steady and strong. Got to see it swimming around -- so much so we had to wait to capture the heartbeat over the shushing sound. Best Valentine ever. I go back in 2 weeks and they will take blood to start checking for chromosomal problems and in 10 more weeks; we will be able to discover the gender. Woo Hoo! I am very excited about that. It was a great afternoon.

I was going to type some more but I admit it, I'm beat and I do have to work tomorrow.

And we all lose our charms in the end

I was avoiding talking about Anna Nicole Smith. Partly because frankly, up until her death I was darn sick of hearing about train wreck of a life. I feel sorry for her. Now, I feel for her little girl. Her mother did drugs, her 1/2 brother died because of drugs -- what chance does this little one have in the crazy environment she is in? She doesn't have a chance in hell of leading a normal life. I can already see the news stories that will follow her for the rest of her life. We'll see her when she goes to school and lord help her if she slips up at all in her life.

I also want to know the reasoning of "preserving her body" until the 20th and another court date. Unless they are wanting to perform a DNA test to make sure Anna Nicole is the mother of the baby, it shouldn't make a difference. Seems almost like a sick joke to have her sitting in a cooler somewhere for no reason. Also -- why won't Howard K Stern submit to the paternity test? Doesn't the baby deserve to at least know who her father is? It does make them all look like gold diggers for whatever money she may or may not inherit.

What I would like to see now -- or at least would make me laugh, is for several more semi-celebrities come out and claim paternity. How about Tom Arnold? He has had no face time in a while. Claiming he's the daddy gets him easily a week on Entertainment Tonight and probably a spot on Larry King. Andy Dick usually loves attention, he could be all over this. I would love to see Ellen claim paternity in her opening monologue at the Oscars.

Yeah, I am going to hell. But hey, if we're going to make it a circus, let's go all out.

I have to tell you just how I feel

I am a hormonal, sans anti-depressant mess. I slept I swear 14 hours today. Pissed away my entire Sunday. Even now, I am tired and will be headed to bed shortly. I cried watching the Police reunion on the Grammys, I cried watching like 10 minutes of Extreme Makeover Home Edition and cried as Tom got ready to go into work. Oh yeah, and when I thought about the fact I have to go into work tomorrow.

Yeah, this weekend was a basic loss and I have to start the week tomorrow at 5 am. Oi. I am a complete mess. I don't really now how to deal with it other than trying to gut it out. Our apartment at the moment is not fit for outsider consumption. It's a mess but I cannot bring myself to really clean it. It doesn't stink or anything, it's cluttered and thinking about it wears me out. That's the depression more than the pregnancy. I remember feeling like this all too well. It's a horrible feeling.

I go back to the doctor on Wednesday. I am going to talk to her about any options I may have. I know there are possible risks but I am not sure which is the bigger risk if I cannot get myself together. We shall see. I am crossing my fingers that there is something we can come up with.

Video Killed the Radio Star

Are they any other 80's-type kiddos who are grown up and horrified at the number of 80's tunes that are showing up in commercials? It's starting to make me feel like a baby-boomer.

WENDY'S is using Blister in the Sun by the Violent Femmes to advertise their fish sandwich! Fish sandwich? Are you kidding me? Yuck. I saw the Violent Femmes open for the Pixies last summer. If I thought they needed rent money I wish they had put out a tip-jar. I would have thrown in 5 bucks to NOT see a commercial with their song in it.

A cover of Melt with You is the background for a car commercial. Well, a cross-over GMC vehicle. I think they came up with the word "cross-over" to hopefully avoid having eggs thrown at another gas-guzzling SUV by the members of Greenpeace. I could be wrong.

There have been others which I cannot remember at the moment but dammit, I am not really ready to be target-marketed with songs of my youth.

I resolve to call her up, a thousand times a day

Oi so another great day at work talking to the happy tv consuming masses. Ack. I am so tired of hearing people complain. Without my meds and whatever role hormones are playing in my system, I fight tears several times a day. Not on the phone calls necessarily, but when I have a few moments to myself at lunch or break when I actually get to take it. I have no idea why but some agents have the impeccable timing to have a major question when I am trying to make it the bathroom. I have had one agent follow me into the bathroom to ask her question. WHAT THE HELL? Seriously. I am not a person apparently.

Every person who calls and demands free equipment or programming are all wealthy, "It's not the money, I have a million dollar home." "I am not trying to get anything free because I make more in a month than you make all year." Ok, so tell me why you're calling again? "I have owned my own business for 60,000 years and your customer service sucks, I would fire every one if they worked for me." Thanks. I appreciate it. Yes I am dying to help you now. I can't wait to go home to try to decide which bills to pay this month while you piss and moan about your 4 hd tvs. Yes indeedy.

And does Armageddon seriously have to play every single day? I can't get away from that damn movie. Geez. Beat me to death slowly with a smarmy cheese hammer ok?

I don't want to turn this blog into a piss and moan fest but I am burned out and I really would rather be concentrating about being happy about being pregnant. Instead, I am listening to this stuff every day and thinking about how I am going to even try to afford the terrible new health insurance plan. I don't think I am asking for a heck of a lot. Just not to worry every single day and not to spend 8 hours a day having my character assaulted.

A bright note -- Tom started a new job today. Woo hoo. Hopefully he will keep it and all will go well. That will bring some relief to the financial situation which will lower the stress. Maybe that will help take the sting out of the nut jobs who call to demand and scream.

I've tried to discover...a little something to make me sweeter

It's been a hell couple of weeks. Minus my meds and plus the hormones, I'm a nutball extraordinaire. I had to leave the breakroom at work because they were playing "Armageddon" (which is a cheesy piece of shite and I HATE Ben Affleck) but at the pivotal scene where Bruce Willis shoves young dude into the airlock and is going to die himself....waterworks. I have seen bits of this movie a million times. I don't even like the movie...but damn.

It's also been a tough time in the marriage. Without going into details, it's been exhausting. Tom still is not working and Dish has changed the health insurance. Now, I have a 2,500 deductible before ANY service, prescription, anything is covered. I still get to pay close to $200 a month for the privilege of the "coverage" of course. So I am looking at putting out an insane amount of money before the bean is born. I am not sure how we are going to do it if Tom doesn't get SOMETHING...ANYTHING soon. I don't want to be the harpie wife but seriously, I wish he was working at Taco Bell at this point.

I can't believe it's Monday again already. Weekends are not long enough. There is a blackout on taking time off for the next 2 weeks because of our price increase -- which means angry people. That's another thing I am having a really hard time with. Every time I get on a supervisor call and I have to have someone calling me a dumb whore or bitch it just tears at my soul. It's TV people. Gimme a break, I'm an expectant mommy without her Prozac and you are going to make me cry. It's hell on earth. Every.single.day. It's a good thing I do not have my chosen mutant power of being able to set people on fire with my mind. There would be a lot of fried folks. My self control is pretty low at the moment.

I would love at some point to be able to talk to someone who treats customer service people like trash and ask them why they feel so entitled. I understand frustration, seriously, I'm a consumer too. Never have I ever cussed at another human being on the phone. I have never called anyone a dumb bitch, or a whore or cunt or anything else. Ever. If my service was ever shut off because I didn't pay the bill, I would take responsibility for the fact I didn't pay it. I don't call my cell phone company and demand free phones. I realize I got a free phone when I started and if I want something with more bells and whistles, I have to pay for it. Why don't Dish customers get it? Why are they nasty and degrading? I would LOVE to hear someone's justification for that -- or hell...why they think calling me a dumb bitch would make me want to help them more?

I have been threatened with physical violence. Over television. Seriously. A customer told me flat out he was going to fly out to beat my ass. Me. 5'1" me who is no closer to the CEO that the guy who waxes the floor. Guess what? They hire people like US to take your phone calls because they don't have to. Get over it. You are not anymore important than the 600000 other people who call every day thinking they are going to talk to the president of the company. They pay us piss ants to talk to you piss ants. They don't care about you. At all. I wouldn't either if I didn't have to hear it day after day after day. I work in a department where the agents are SURPRISED to talk to someone polite. Get it?

Ugh OK I didn't mean to go off on quite such the Dish rant. I'm just dreading going into work tomorrow to the same old thing.

whiter than sour cream

Ok, seriously. January is our DRIEST winter month. Knock it off! I am so tired of waking up to seeing snow coming down on the patio. Really. It sucks. Enough already. I can't even imagine what March will bring if this is the start of this year.

Just in case there are people who don't know how crazy I would get when I actually got pregnant, let me recount the last couple trips to various stores with my mother. :) Kohl's was/is having a huge clear out the old-season sale. For myself -- 4 pairs of paints for 10 bucks. Amazing no? And of course the baby clothes were also very very cheap. My little bean now has a Halloween outfit, 2 first Christmas outfits, camo pants, some thermals. Yeah, we went nuts.

Yesterday -- Good Will had all their clothes for 99 cents and all baby clothes for 49 cents. Yes indeed. Another pile of cute outfits were acquired. And miracle and miracles -- Merf was able to leave without picking up any strange looking handmade-pottery bowls (an obsession of mine).

We are trying very hard not to use any sort of gender when talking about the bean. Hard to do. However, we did decide yesterday that should there be a question or if my bean ends up transgendered -- they could not luck into a better mommy. At least I hope so. I am educated en0ugh to let them tell me who they are and not try to cram them into something they are not. Hopefully bean will not need to experience such pain.

So now it's time to come up with something to do whilst cursing the snow and hoping it clears quickly.

she's having a baby

Yes indeed! It's a bean! Due September 11th of all days. Not the best timing I would picked, although we have been trying (I am 36 after all) but Tom is not working so I am nervous. Mostly excited however since I wasn't sure I would get the chance. :) So I am trying to concentrate on that part of it. Had this done today, could see the little heart beating like crazy and everything looks good so far.

So here we come world, ready or not. A little Merf to help kick some ass.