Under pressure

I have said it before, I miss my meds. The last 2 weeks have been a psychotic mess. Well I have been a psychotic mess, the rest of the world has had me in it. Everything makes me cry. EVERY THING. It frustrates me. My job is not a calm one. Some days are better than others, but most of them involve some jerk screaming at me about something.

I have been doing this as supervisor for almost 4 years. I think I do a damn good job. Well, I used to think I did. Lately, I can't handle it. The questions are fine, I will do anything I can for any of my agents, but I can't keep my cool on the phone. I can feel my heart pounding and it's pretty much a given some ass is going to threaten to sue me personally or fly out to CO and kick my ass and I am going to hang up the phone and I am going to cry. I feel unprofessional, I feel helpless and I feel like my fellow employees are sick of me. Hell *I* am sick of me.

It's also raising my blood pressure. Not so good. The last 3 doctor's appointments, my pressure has been steadily going up. My blood pressure has always been good. So to see it creeping to borderline hypertension, it makes me even more upset. I do not want my anxiety and my damn job to cause problems for my pregnancy. A pregnancy I have been wanting forever. And yet...my work ethic and pride are a constant dialogue in my head "you have to do this, you cannot put yourself first, this is your job." A job, like any other that would get rid of me if it suited business needs without such moral mental juggling. It's business right? So why can't I tell myself that it's ok to think to myself "Jack is more important than all of this?"

My mom...geez what would I do without her? She is like a constant bubble of positive. If anyone needs a cheerleader -- my mom will back you 200% She keeps me sane. I talk to her on break -- at least on the days that hearing her voice doesn't make me cry. It's her voice is the positive dialogue in my head.

Tom...poor Tom. He must think he is married to a complete weirdo. (well he IS, but it's worse now) It's his birthday tomorrow and he gets to deal with me crying, panic attacks that have resurfaced and all the while getting used to the idea of being a daddy. I am lucky to have him since he stays much more calm than I am lately. I am trying to be a decent wife while I want to curl up into a ball and forget the world for a bit.

So...I am going to do myself to pull myself together and be a little easier on myself. I am trying to make myself think positive thoughts and convince myself I can keep going to work without it making me sick. Wish me luck.


vivavavoom said...

hang in there. wish I could tell you it gets easier. most important thing is to take care of yourself and that little one. they are a reflection of you ...whether you like it or not....which is why my son always loses it when I am on the verge of losing it. thanks for your kind words, you are like your mom in that way....just sounds like you need a break and not be so hard on yourself. is there anything medicationwise that is safe now that you are in your 2nd trimester?

caffeinator_x said...

What you wrote about your mom made me smile - that woman really is a quick service take-out order of happiness. I told Martin at our reunion (which was mere weeks before we had O. - "we" being me and Michelle, not me and Martin. I'm as pro-homo as they come, but that would just be wrong) that my goal was / is to raise our kids "Buin____ Style" (spaces to protect your anonimity)

So you and Judy both can take that to the bank anytime you're feeling low.

If you're ever interested - and I really mean this, DO NOT HESITATE TO ASK - Troy works in the same industry as you, and I know you could START directly as a supervisor, with your experience. His benefits are OFF THE CHARTS, and he really seems to like it.

In the meantime -- stay off th' nightly news, that stuff could drive a Teletubby to violence. Nothing but happy movies and books for you!!

vivavavoom said...

that's a good idea...a new job may be necessary...the insurance at teds old company was great and I am sure (though I speak from no experience) that at a supervisor position you may have less people yelling at you and threatening you everyday. especially if you work in the internet area, rather than the TV one.

vivavavoom said...

do you need a crib mattress?

michelle said...

how is it going? haven't heard in awhile. just checking in.

vivavavoom said...

meredith...where are you? blog or email some. how is it going???

merf said...

Hey there! Not trying to be scare, at least not on purpose. I replied to an email from Ted yesterday finally but I don't have email for you! I am going to be at Pride with hubby and mom tomorrow. I sent Ted my cell # so we can perhaps meet up and say howdy! I figure I will only last until about noon in the heat. or send me an email (since I don't know when he has access to email) and I'll resend to you frol223 at aol.com