and so I face, the final curtain

Been here at the folk's house since yesterday. The end is very close now, but of course it's impossible to tell. I can't believe her body is holding on the way it is. Yesterday she told me in a more lucid moment "I'm not going to live anymore." Another point she said "let me go." I told her she could go, it was ok. She was almost completely deaf but it seems like she's hearing more now. I don't know.

I started reading Harry Potter to her, she loved those books like we did. I got through a chapter and 1/2 when she reached out to me like she wanted me to stop. So I did. So we are taking turns sitting with her. Mom and I are changing dirty diapers about every hour. It's amazing when she has had no food for several days now. She does still take the tiniest bit of water but not much.

I have done some reading on the physical changes right before death. The hospice nurse also said it could be any time. Every so often she says ow or cold. When she has messed her diaper she calls out and has the whole thing stripped off her practically before we can get her all cleaned off. So, somewhere in there she is still wanting to be in control. How her body hasn't decided to let go and let it be over -- I have no idea. I hate watching her die. Despite everything, watching death sucks. My mom said to me "I am sorry you have to watch this a second time."

We do what we have to do. That's what family is. That's what being human is. I would hate for her to be in a room in a nursing home, shouting to no one, who knows what kind of treatment she would be getting from a frustrated orderly who has changed 6 poopy diapers for her alone in one day. Despite her critical nature, hateful comments, I don't want her to suffer. I don't want her to be aware of the things going on. No one would pick the end of their lives like this.

So the vigil continues and I am exhausted and hoping work is not going to can me because I have been gone 3 days. Oi. We shall see. For now, I cannot imagine being anywhere else. My mom cannot change her alone and my dad is not helpful. I am not sure he can handle what is going on right now.

Hopefully it's over soon, for us, but even more so, for her.


caffeinator_x said...

That sucks... I'm really sorry you're dealing with all of this. Make sure you're taking some sort of care of yourself during all this.

..."second time"?

merf said...

It's ok. You do what you have to do right? I was with my mom's mom (you met her) at the end as well. That was 3 years ago I think.