and if you say the word

My grandmother is slowly declining. My mom is up most of the night listening to her call out, going into her room, to be turned away. Then she is changing her at 3:30 in the morning and waits on her all day while caring for her babysitting charges. I talk to her everyday. Today she sounded completely exhausted.

I am exhausted. Only supervisor at work from 6 am until I finally escaped. I never get out of there on time. I cannot say no to someone with a question or who needs help. I feel guilty for wanting to get home and collapse. I feel like I should be at my folks' house. Our apartment is a pit at the moment and I can't stand the thought of cleaning. I feel beaten down.

Birthday came and went with mellow fan-fare. Some of my friends hung out with us. Low-key but good. I can't believe I am 36. I am glad to a point that my earlier journals are no more because I know if I read them back I would be disgusted at myself and my overall lack of growth. My biggest accomplishments are my promotions and performance at work. Me. The one who wanted to be a stay-at-home mommy more than anything. No kids, just a job. A job I put way too much of myself into so that when I make it home I am wiped until I go back.

I am trying like hell not to get frustrated with Tom and his not working. I know it's hard for him and I know he needs to get his meds straight but some days I want to cry when I walk into the house and he's either just getting out of bed or possibly he's been up an hour. Nothing clean, no trash taken out. I have to make dinner and think about laundry and anything else that should be done. It wears on me. A lot. I don't want to become a complete nag or horrible to be around. But damn it I could really use some help with everything that is going on. If not with the bills, then with the place I want to feel the most comfortable.


This and That said...

don't know what to say. just feel like giving you a hug. everything I write may come across too Tony Robbinsish...and what the hell do I know. seems like you have a lot of variables going on and you are barely keeping your head above water. want to throw you a life preserver. See...Tony Robbins-ish, isn't it. you can go throw up now.. I'll get the bucket. BUT KEEP WRITING!

This and That said...

oh...yeah...happy 36th bday...if it is any consolation, I will always be older than you!

caffeinator_x said...

If you'll allow me to be esoteric for a minute...

When I'm going thru the most satisfying periods of my life, I realize it's the qualities I've ALWAYS had that are shining - and during those times, I'm not concerned with "growth". So if I'm writing, even if it's just on my silly little blog, I'm a "writer". But if a couple weeks pass when I don't, I'm just ... not. THAT'S when I'm beating myself about all the countries I've never been to and all the books I've never read - the "growth" stuff. And of course, that's when I'm not growing...

That's not to let me off the hook for not persuing the things that are important to me, of course. My point is that you, m'dear, have a dazzling array of qualities, talents and abilities at your command NOW; one's I've admired for as long as I've known you. They don't burn out and they were never an illusion. Use 'em or don't. If you don't, don't beat yourself up about it - the people in your life will still love you. And if you do, great, but the people who don't like you still won't care! But growth has little to do w/ it (IMHO, of course).

SECOND RULE OF BLOGGER - when people show up to blow sunshine up your ass, it generally has more to do with working something out in their own head.

And stop w/ all the "honored you're reading" stuff!!! You make the mundane interesting - that's what creative types do. Besides, I myself am inconsolably offended if friends who know I have a blog aren't waiting w/ baited breath for every new entry.

If you wanna be annonymous, you're just gonna have to create another one ; p

merf said...

I am not really looking to be annoymous. It takes too much energy and then I have to come up with character names for everyone in my life, that I will forget and write their real name anyway. LOL Better not to worry about that on top of anything else.

I am keeping my head above water, some days are better than others, like everyone's life. I do like being able to spew some and then move along. A lot like bingeing without the guilt :) thanks again