My grandmother is slowly declining. My mom is up most of the night listening to her call out, going into her room, to be turned away. Then she is changing her at 3:30 in the morning and waits on her all day while caring for her babysitting charges. I talk to her everyday. Today she sounded completely exhausted.
I am exhausted. Only supervisor at work from 6 am until I finally escaped. I never get out of there on time. I cannot say no to someone with a question or who needs help. I feel guilty for wanting to get home and collapse. I feel like I should be at my folks' house. Our apartment is a pit at the moment and I can't stand the thought of cleaning. I feel beaten down.
Birthday came and went with mellow fan-fare. Some of my friends hung out with us. Low-key but good. I can't believe I am 36. I am glad to a point that my earlier journals are no more because I know if I read them back I would be disgusted at myself and my overall lack of growth. My biggest accomplishments are my promotions and performance at work. Me. The one who wanted to be a stay-at-home mommy more than anything. No kids, just a job. A job I put way too much of myself into so that when I make it home I am wiped until I go back.
I am trying like hell not to get frustrated with Tom and his not working. I know it's hard for him and I know he needs to get his meds straight but some days I want to cry when I walk into the house and he's either just getting out of bed or possibly he's been up an hour. Nothing clean, no trash taken out. I have to make dinner and think about laundry and anything else that should be done. It wears on me. A lot. I don't want to become a complete nag or horrible to be around. But damn it I could really use some help with everything that is going on. If not with the bills, then with the place I want to feel the most comfortable.