12.26.2006

You and me have seen all there is to see

Christmas is over for another year. Back to work, back to the reality of customer service and the fact that people are mean. My dad paid to fly Kate in which was awesome. Seeing her 2 times in one year is basically unheard of and that was cool. It was a short visit. She also had to go back to work today so she flew in on Saturday and left this morning. The holiday was a little bizarre because the blizzard screwed up the end of last week. That and we are completely broke which I think hurts the worst.

I now have to create some sort of miracle to make rent next week. Tom's job is part time and a holiday temp thing to start with and he has called out more days than not. His paycheck when he picks it up will possibly be 100 dollars. I am frustrated by this. I know he is depressed, I do. I struggle with it myself. There in lies the difference -- I struggle, not succumb. Would I like it if someone paid all my bills so I could wallow at home and do nothing? Hell yes I would. That isn't the way life works however. So I will be putting off electricity and all the other bills and probably getting a payday loan in order to not bounce the rent check. Ugh.

I am not sure where else to go with this. If I try to express myself, he folds up. He gets upset and I feel like a beast trying to ask a man with a broken leg run a marathon. I feel like I am running a marathon. It's effecting my job because I am exhausted and when I get home, the house is there in all its mess and piles of laundry and dishes to do. I feel like a failure and it's embarrassing when I cannot give Christmas presents or meet friends for dinner or drinks because I am right now alone in my marriage. My second marriage, 4 months in. I feel like an ass. Do I threaten? Do I continue to beg? Do I get angry? How many more tears can I cry that do nothing? I have no idea. I don't want this to be a mistake. I don't want to feel alone and I don't want to continue to eat myself up with stress everyday because I am the soul bread-winner. So instead I am whining and hogging bandwidth.

Maybe I will look for a second job. I work 6-2:30 so I am free in the afternoons. I need to be able to at least take care of myself. I am dreading the new year and this one is still crawling to its death.

Yeah, this isn't going to get any more uplifting or probably all that helpful. Plus it's time to check the dryer. Sorry for my selfish vomit.

2 comments:

thisandthat said...

wow. it does sound like you are 'running a marathon' as you stated but with no stops for water to help hydrate yourself. keep writing it out, clarity can come from that.
does that sound too Tony Robbins?

Anonymous said...

wow..... sounds like you're havning a rough time...... sorry to hear that. and that sucks that this is your second marriage and it's that rough already. keep writing it's a great way to vent.