Really haven't meant to be completely scarce. Physically I am tired a lot of the time. It's much harder to sleep through the night and get myself to work by 6 am everyday. Oi. Leg cramps let me sleep about an hour at a time before I need to move and shift. Our bed is tiny so lucky Tom gets to be awake every time. It's a double bed which under normal circumstances is not bad -- however with an expanding wife who needs to move all the time, I imagine it feels more like a twin. I know it does to me.
However -- I am in the home stretch! Hard to fathom at this point. Yes the day to day has not seemed to go quickly at all -- but here we are. I start my two week visits now. Thursday I had the joy of drinking yummy glucose to test for diabetes. Not as bad as they psyched me up for it to be. Never my drink of choice of course and WAY more sugar than I have been taking in lately, but I managed. I have still kept my weight about the same. Weird. Although I have a little bump now. With my boobs that's not saying much. I think my friends are disappointed because they all wanted to see me pregnant and it's hard to tell.
I chopped all my hair off. I have little to no patience with any sort of "beauty-type" maintenance. I am damn lazy about it. Plus it doesn't make that big of a difference. I suppose I should care more but I don't and certainly not now. So my hair which was growing like mad was getting to be pretty long -- in the Meridith sense. Which is almost my shoulders. Add a little record heat and the fact I have to blow dry it or it curls in the weirdest spots and it equals me walking into the closest place the wield scissors and declare "shave me bald!" Ok, not bald. But very short. My mom will hate it. She always sorta signs when I give up looking more feminine. However I know myself. I am not putting effort into my hair NOW, never have...add a newborn and I am likely to look damn scary after a bit. This way, it will dry and look...short. I went sorta Keira Knightly in "Domino" short. Of course she's way hotter than me. :) Tom likes it a lot. All I need is the man I love to look at pics of me with shorter hair and say "wow, I really like your hair short" and I am off and running. Woo hoo!
I am finally having baby type dreams. Last night I changed a diaper. Although in my dream I had Jack and a little girl. I have also had dreams that they missed it in the ultrasound (or added it as it were) and I am actually having a girl. Wouldn't that be interesting?
I am also having to pack up the apartment for us to move out at the end of this month. Ugh. Let me tell you how daunting a task that is. My folks are heading out east and we will be living in their house. At least for the time being. The grander scheme is we will all be out in PA in the next year. Closer to my sister and brother. It's nice because we will be rent free in their house. Of course I have a ton of stuff. Painting supplies, my weirdo doll collection, Tom's 3 guitars and other musical gadgets. Yeah it's going to be a bitch. However I won't have 3 flights of apartment steps to walk.
Tomorrow we will be at Pride. At least for a bit. I have gone every year for the last 5 or 6. Mom is excited because she gets to come with again this year. It will be Tom's second time and my second time not on the prowl. Got to see my Dykes on Bikes. Yummy. Course it's another record breaker they are saying for tomorrow so I am only planning on a couple of hours after the parade. Prego in 98 degrees...now THAT is sexy.
5.16.2007
Under pressure
I have said it before, I miss my meds. The last 2 weeks have been a psychotic mess. Well I have been a psychotic mess, the rest of the world has had me in it. Everything makes me cry. EVERY THING. It frustrates me. My job is not a calm one. Some days are better than others, but most of them involve some jerk screaming at me about something.
I have been doing this as supervisor for almost 4 years. I think I do a damn good job. Well, I used to think I did. Lately, I can't handle it. The questions are fine, I will do anything I can for any of my agents, but I can't keep my cool on the phone. I can feel my heart pounding and it's pretty much a given some ass is going to threaten to sue me personally or fly out to CO and kick my ass and I am going to hang up the phone and I am going to cry. I feel unprofessional, I feel helpless and I feel like my fellow employees are sick of me. Hell *I* am sick of me.
It's also raising my blood pressure. Not so good. The last 3 doctor's appointments, my pressure has been steadily going up. My blood pressure has always been good. So to see it creeping to borderline hypertension, it makes me even more upset. I do not want my anxiety and my damn job to cause problems for my pregnancy. A pregnancy I have been wanting forever. And yet...my work ethic and pride are a constant dialogue in my head "you have to do this, you cannot put yourself first, this is your job." A job, like any other that would get rid of me if it suited business needs without such moral mental juggling. It's business right? So why can't I tell myself that it's ok to think to myself "Jack is more important than all of this?"
My mom...geez what would I do without her? She is like a constant bubble of positive. If anyone needs a cheerleader -- my mom will back you 200% She keeps me sane. I talk to her on break -- at least on the days that hearing her voice doesn't make me cry. It's her voice is the positive dialogue in my head.
Tom...poor Tom. He must think he is married to a complete weirdo. (well he IS, but it's worse now) It's his birthday tomorrow and he gets to deal with me crying, panic attacks that have resurfaced and all the while getting used to the idea of being a daddy. I am lucky to have him since he stays much more calm than I am lately. I am trying to be a decent wife while I want to curl up into a ball and forget the world for a bit.
So...I am going to do myself to pull myself together and be a little easier on myself. I am trying to make myself think positive thoughts and convince myself I can keep going to work without it making me sick. Wish me luck.
I have been doing this as supervisor for almost 4 years. I think I do a damn good job. Well, I used to think I did. Lately, I can't handle it. The questions are fine, I will do anything I can for any of my agents, but I can't keep my cool on the phone. I can feel my heart pounding and it's pretty much a given some ass is going to threaten to sue me personally or fly out to CO and kick my ass and I am going to hang up the phone and I am going to cry. I feel unprofessional, I feel helpless and I feel like my fellow employees are sick of me. Hell *I* am sick of me.
It's also raising my blood pressure. Not so good. The last 3 doctor's appointments, my pressure has been steadily going up. My blood pressure has always been good. So to see it creeping to borderline hypertension, it makes me even more upset. I do not want my anxiety and my damn job to cause problems for my pregnancy. A pregnancy I have been wanting forever. And yet...my work ethic and pride are a constant dialogue in my head "you have to do this, you cannot put yourself first, this is your job." A job, like any other that would get rid of me if it suited business needs without such moral mental juggling. It's business right? So why can't I tell myself that it's ok to think to myself "Jack is more important than all of this?"
My mom...geez what would I do without her? She is like a constant bubble of positive. If anyone needs a cheerleader -- my mom will back you 200% She keeps me sane. I talk to her on break -- at least on the days that hearing her voice doesn't make me cry. It's her voice is the positive dialogue in my head.
Tom...poor Tom. He must think he is married to a complete weirdo. (well he IS, but it's worse now) It's his birthday tomorrow and he gets to deal with me crying, panic attacks that have resurfaced and all the while getting used to the idea of being a daddy. I am lucky to have him since he stays much more calm than I am lately. I am trying to be a decent wife while I want to curl up into a ball and forget the world for a bit.
So...I am going to do myself to pull myself together and be a little easier on myself. I am trying to make myself think positive thoughts and convince myself I can keep going to work without it making me sick. Wish me luck.
4.24.2007
Houston, we have a
Boy! The Broziks are having a wee lad. Went to the doctor this afternoon and had the ultrasound.
We then went and bought him his first wee kilt, to match his daddy's. I am completely exhausted between nervous excitement and the shittiest weather to drive in. I am ready for a nap!
We then went and bought him his first wee kilt, to match his daddy's. I am completely exhausted between nervous excitement and the shittiest weather to drive in. I am ready for a nap!
4.18.2007
It's a mad mad mad mad world
Detention order issued As early as 2005, police and school administrators were wrestling with what to do with Cho, who was accused of stalking two female students and was sent to a mental health facility after police obtained a temporary detention order.
The two women complained to campus police that Cho was contacting them with “annoying” telephone calls and e-mail messages in November and December 2005, campus Police Chief Wendell Flinchum said.
This is posted on the MSNBC website today. Apparently the gunman took the 2 hours between his 2 rampages to mail a package to NBC full of pictures, video clips and a rambling manifesto. After reading the above, I think it's sad that more wasn't done before the 14th. It's one thing when it's writing in a classroom. He was reported for stalking. That's a crime. I wonder why he was still attending class -- why he was still a student of the University. You can't suspend someone for writing weird class assignments, but stalking students, I would think so. Had that actually been reported and placed in his record, he wouldn't have been able to buy those guns.
It's sad that this person who was obviously very sick wasn't really acknowledged. I am not necessarily he should be pitied, I don't honestly know; obviously something was missed.
The article goes on to state that the administration could have forced inpatient care for him. It's horrible to hear these sort of things now -- because I cannot imagine the feelings of guilt anyone involved in those decisions must feel dealing with the "if onlies." The whole thing is gross and horrible. Hind-sight sucks. How do you move on from anger if you lost someone you loved?
And now other schools have received bomb threats. Wheatridge high school had specific students named today. Where do you start to address this?
4.17.2007
I've seen your flag on the marble arch and love is not a victory march
This is a little disjointed -- but I have about a million different thoughts running through my head at the moment, so for now, I have this.
Before I get started on this, heck I have been writing and rewriting this for over 2 hours -- I am going to include a disclaimer. It goes against my first instinct, I should be able to state my opinion without (hopefully) giving anyone the impression that I condone killing, that I hold anyone who takes the life of another human being in any sort of regard. It shouldn't be necessary, but I have been alive through enough of these sort of incidents to know that people react with their gut and I understand people are not going to agree with me.
A couple facts about myself and my experiences that play into what I am going to say. I am a gun owner. I own a semi-automatic 22 pistol, and I have gone to shooting ranges with my dad several times. I am a damn good shot, and I have experience loading and shooting my dad’s 9mm semi automatic pistol, a 22 pistol, as well as rifles. I know how easy it is to expel an empty clip and reload. It’s quick, with any practice at all, it’s almost instantaneous. I also know how much ammo that man had to be carrying. A standard 9 mm clip carries 15 rounds which means he was carrying several, all preloaded. He had thought this out. I do not think guns are inherently evil, nor do I think that law-abiding citizens should be stopped from purchasing guns.
I have also been the kid who wrote violent pieces for class. In the 6th grade for a book writing/binding project, I wrote a violent book. It included murder, revenge, hell I beheaded a fellow classmate with an axe and then ended up destroying her reanimated body and setting it on fire before being locked away in a mental institution. I was 12. I know were I in school post-Columbine, I am sure it would have been seen as more than a creative project. I also take anti-depressants. Add those up without any other details -- I probably fit the profile.
My brother went through elementary school and junior high being tortured by other kids.
I am not talking about teasing. Yes there was that, but it went much further -- he was pushed, shoved and harassed. Not good natured ribbing. Yes, he was a nerd, yes he was smart and stood out because of that. He is know a Phd teaching early American Literature at a university and he’s a father of 2. He wrote pieces in junior high about suicide.
My sister wrote a piece in high school (a play I think) about killing her band teacher. She now has her Master’s in percussion and is a lawyer.
I wish there was a standard answer to why things happen. I wish there was a quick answer as to why some people go on to hurt others. Frankly, no matter how badly we want that, there isn’t.
This is one of those things that every one writes about when it happens. A thousand different experiences and thoughts. I do not know any one who attends or has attended Virginia Tech. I haven't been a college student in over 10 years.
What bothers me about situations like this is the debates that re-ignite when it happens. You have a "loner shooter" they are quiet, no one knows them, they have no known group of friends, except people find something about them "disturbing."
I am no expert on anything. I don't claim to be. I have read the "violent plays" that are now over the internet that supposedly point to a disturbed person. I have read that his writing teacher suggested he go to counseling. Here is my thought on this -- regardless of what we think, this person was an adult. You cannot force anyone to go to get help. You also in my opinion, cannot expel someone for what they write. To me, to start talking about this kind of thing, starts to smack of thought crime. You cannot decide that someone is disturbed, potentially violent without something more than a badly written violent play. We cannot start following people around waiting for them to do something. We cannot fit people into a “profile” if they take anti-depressants, express anger or anything else for that matter through writing. I certainly don’t want my personal things monitored in “case” I might go off the deep end. We run the risk of alienating even more people and keeping those who need help from getting it because of a stigma that frankly already exists. If only it were that easy to see who was going to turn out a certain way.
My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones. I am honestly sorry they are in pain. I just hope that we don’t create reactionary “solutions” that will give a false sense of security until it happens again.
Before I get started on this, heck I have been writing and rewriting this for over 2 hours -- I am going to include a disclaimer. It goes against my first instinct, I should be able to state my opinion without (hopefully) giving anyone the impression that I condone killing, that I hold anyone who takes the life of another human being in any sort of regard. It shouldn't be necessary, but I have been alive through enough of these sort of incidents to know that people react with their gut and I understand people are not going to agree with me.
A couple facts about myself and my experiences that play into what I am going to say. I am a gun owner. I own a semi-automatic 22 pistol, and I have gone to shooting ranges with my dad several times. I am a damn good shot, and I have experience loading and shooting my dad’s 9mm semi automatic pistol, a 22 pistol, as well as rifles. I know how easy it is to expel an empty clip and reload. It’s quick, with any practice at all, it’s almost instantaneous. I also know how much ammo that man had to be carrying. A standard 9 mm clip carries 15 rounds which means he was carrying several, all preloaded. He had thought this out. I do not think guns are inherently evil, nor do I think that law-abiding citizens should be stopped from purchasing guns.
I have also been the kid who wrote violent pieces for class. In the 6th grade for a book writing/binding project, I wrote a violent book. It included murder, revenge, hell I beheaded a fellow classmate with an axe and then ended up destroying her reanimated body and setting it on fire before being locked away in a mental institution. I was 12. I know were I in school post-Columbine, I am sure it would have been seen as more than a creative project. I also take anti-depressants. Add those up without any other details -- I probably fit the profile.
My brother went through elementary school and junior high being tortured by other kids.
I am not talking about teasing. Yes there was that, but it went much further -- he was pushed, shoved and harassed. Not good natured ribbing. Yes, he was a nerd, yes he was smart and stood out because of that. He is know a Phd teaching early American Literature at a university and he’s a father of 2. He wrote pieces in junior high about suicide.
My sister wrote a piece in high school (a play I think) about killing her band teacher. She now has her Master’s in percussion and is a lawyer.
I wish there was a standard answer to why things happen. I wish there was a quick answer as to why some people go on to hurt others. Frankly, no matter how badly we want that, there isn’t.
This is one of those things that every one writes about when it happens. A thousand different experiences and thoughts. I do not know any one who attends or has attended Virginia Tech. I haven't been a college student in over 10 years.
What bothers me about situations like this is the debates that re-ignite when it happens. You have a "loner shooter" they are quiet, no one knows them, they have no known group of friends, except people find something about them "disturbing."
I am no expert on anything. I don't claim to be. I have read the "violent plays" that are now over the internet that supposedly point to a disturbed person. I have read that his writing teacher suggested he go to counseling. Here is my thought on this -- regardless of what we think, this person was an adult. You cannot force anyone to go to get help. You also in my opinion, cannot expel someone for what they write. To me, to start talking about this kind of thing, starts to smack of thought crime. You cannot decide that someone is disturbed, potentially violent without something more than a badly written violent play. We cannot start following people around waiting for them to do something. We cannot fit people into a “profile” if they take anti-depressants, express anger or anything else for that matter through writing. I certainly don’t want my personal things monitored in “case” I might go off the deep end. We run the risk of alienating even more people and keeping those who need help from getting it because of a stigma that frankly already exists. If only it were that easy to see who was going to turn out a certain way.
My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones. I am honestly sorry they are in pain. I just hope that we don’t create reactionary “solutions” that will give a false sense of security until it happens again.
4.08.2007
What a wonderful time of year
Happy Easter!
So now that I am not barfing all the time, I am starving constantly it seems. Every couple of hours like...hmm like an infant! With the laziness and Tom's overnight shift schedule, the grocery store is a virtual stranger. I hate the idea of hauling bags up 3 flights of stairs by myself. Oh for the day that we do not live on the 3rd floor of anywhere!
Got the results of the genetic screening and all looks good for the bean. They are not recommending an amnio or other testing which is a relief -- especially if you do any reading about the risks of having a baby after 35. I should really not ever research on the internet. I manage to find things to fret about. At least as far as the pregnancy is concerned. We have an ultra-sound on the 24th and should be able to find out if it's a girl bean or a boy bean. I have decided to start telling people who ask me what I am hoping for that I am hoping for a puppy. I understand the question, I really do, and honestly, we would love to have a girl. It seems like everyone around us has boys so to get some added estrogen in the environment would be lovely. However, like most people -- healthy is awesome and really all that matters.
I have become so lazy on the weekends! I have a really hard time sleeping and getting comfortable so I am up to all hours which kills during the week since I have to be at work at 6 am. So on the weekends, I tend to be a bump all day long. Course Tom is also sleeping since he gets home at 7 am and I try not to be too loud. I need to get my ass painting again. I love doing it and just have been neglecting it for sitting around on my bum. I was so excited to get past most of the morning sickness and have not taken advantage of it. Although last night we did go to a hockey game. One of the perks of working for the Pepsi Center is the chance for free tickets. So we got to sit 22 rows behind the goal in some really great seats and had a great time (even though they lost and ended their play-off chances) Ah well.
So another week starts tomorrow. Meh. That and I still have to do our taxes. See? Lazy.
3.13.2007
instead of making me better, you keep making me ill
Oi. The last 2 weeks have been a challenge. I missed one day of work because I threw up every time I sneezed. The last 2 days have been a challenge with sickness and exhaustion. Hopefully it will subside quickly now that I am starting the 2nd trimester.
I am in the home stretch of putting together a friend's wedding. I have made a ton of decorations but it's going to be gorgeous. I feel slightly guilty because I wasn't pregnant when I took on the task, and have been struggling to get everything done while fighting feeling less than prime. However I think it's going to be really pretty and hopefully everything the two of them are looking for. I will be glad to see it over so I can try to put the house back together which has been sorely neglected since I started feeling so darn yucky and tired.
Poor mom has been struggling with the flu the last few days. I haven't been able to spend any time with her so as to hopefully avoid adding that to my challenges. I got the flu shot last year in about October, but not worth taking the risk of it being a different type and I am not a fan of throwing up by any stretch.
Only a few weeks away from being able to find out the gender of the bean. I am excited. Tom and I would both like to have a little girl. My brother's kids are both boys so it would be a hoot to put a grand daughter in the mix. Of course healthy being the priority, I will be happy either way just being excited about having a child of my own that I have wanted for so damn long.
Nothing else exciting or worth mentioning, just working on getting through the week.
I am in the home stretch of putting together a friend's wedding. I have made a ton of decorations but it's going to be gorgeous. I feel slightly guilty because I wasn't pregnant when I took on the task, and have been struggling to get everything done while fighting feeling less than prime. However I think it's going to be really pretty and hopefully everything the two of them are looking for. I will be glad to see it over so I can try to put the house back together which has been sorely neglected since I started feeling so darn yucky and tired.
Poor mom has been struggling with the flu the last few days. I haven't been able to spend any time with her so as to hopefully avoid adding that to my challenges. I got the flu shot last year in about October, but not worth taking the risk of it being a different type and I am not a fan of throwing up by any stretch.
Only a few weeks away from being able to find out the gender of the bean. I am excited. Tom and I would both like to have a little girl. My brother's kids are both boys so it would be a hoot to put a grand daughter in the mix. Of course healthy being the priority, I will be happy either way just being excited about having a child of my own that I have wanted for so damn long.
Nothing else exciting or worth mentioning, just working on getting through the week.
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